eaders of the national press will have been entertained recently by the controversy surrounding the book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua. Chua believes that a child rearing regime of unremitting pressure and criticism combined with the expectation of long hours of music practice and homework is certain to lead to the desired results, i.e. a highly accomplished child who goes to a world class university whilst achieving academic distinction and playing at the level of a professional musician. As evidence, she produces the CVs of her own daughters. Chua, a Chinese American, is a professor at Yale and is clearly committed to her Chinese based views of child rearing.

I recall a conversation I had with a friend from Beijing who explained to me that, “every Chinese parent wants their son to grow up to be a dragon”, i.e. a winner, top of the heap, Chairman of the Board etc etc. I asked him what happens when the son does not fulfil these expectations and fails to become a dragon or indeed any other kind of animal. He laughed and pointed out that this was a very frequent occurrence. He was not explicit about the way that these disappointments are dealt with but acknowledged that they were common.

Of course, following the publicity given to the “Tiger Mother”, articles sprang up throughout the media decrying this particular method. One particularly interesting article by a psychologist who became interested in the study of separated twins, was especially illuminating. In brief, studies of twins separated at birth and adopted by different families show overwhelmingly that despite differences in class, education and location, many twins showed uncanny resemblances as they grew to adult life. Their tastes, habits, interests and often careers, were closely paralleled and in one astonishing case, two male twins had even married women of the same name and had families of children of the same genders and names. This author’s conclusion was that nature will always win over nurture. He acknowledged that parental input can make a big difference in the early stages but that in the long run, the most constructive thing you can do if you want to mould your child’s future, is to select your spouse with great care.

In some cultures where arranged marriages are the norm, such genetic scrutiny does take place. The columns of Indian newspapers often feature potential brides or bridegrooms “England returned” or “America returned”, usually with higher degrees in scientific or economic subjects and boasting a wheaten complexion. Clearly this is an attempt at genetic manipulation in order to ensure the wellbeing of the next generation. In an idle moment I wondered how this would pan out in the UK. Speed-dating would not offer very much scope for thorough exploration but it could add another dimension to internet dating. I am not a frequent reader of these sites myself but I can imagine that specialist sites could arise where the educational attainments of all family members and physical descriptions including height, weight and colouring might appear. The existence of batty Aunt Daphne and deeply unreliable Cousin Maurice would of course have to be suppressed. Intellect and health may not give sufficient information; the pedigree would have to include details about temperament, personality, strategies for dealing with stress etc. I am sure that huge profits await a lively entrepreneur who can get it right.

There is, however, a serious side to this issue. In my professional capacity I have encountered many cases where unrealistic parental expectations have blighted a child’s life. High achieving parents do not necessarily produce high achieving children. In fact the tendency towards the mean means that the highly academically gifted are likely to produce slightly more ordinary children and vice versa; intellectually challenged parents are quite capable of producing brighter children.

There have been particular cases where I have become deeply concerned about the emotional health of children who carry the weight of parental expectation that they are simply not equipped to bear. After all, Amy Chua is a Yale professor as is her husband. Her children came into the world with a higher than average chance of being bright and robust. I wonder how many children of similar parents, who themselves inherited a different slice of the DNA cake, have suffered permanent emotional damage as a result of unreasonable expectations combined with unremitting pressure.

It is a cliché that girls turn into their mothers and boys turn into their fathers but like most clichés there is some truth in it. A number of parents of my acquaintance have been deeply relieved as their children move into their 20s to discover that after some years of teenage turbulence their offspring actually revert somewhat to type and espouse many of the same values. One of my children told me in his mid 20s that he realised he had grown up. “How so?” I asked. “I’ve started listening to Radio 4,” he replied, only half joking.

It is now 38 years since I stood up in front of my first class in a school in suburban Bristol. Since that time I have worked in a whole range of schools and colleges, from the worst in England (according to the Ofsted league tables) to my present, very happy appointment in Haslemere. Among my thousands of students, both children and adults, I have encountered all kinds of people from as many backgrounds as there were individuals. One of the few things I can say with certainty is that they were all in different ways both a challenge and a pleasure to teach. Their gifts were many and varied but the value and individuality of each is something that I have enjoyed throughout the decades.

At The Royal School we appreciate all of the talents. We celebrate them continually on prize days, in assemblies, in the classroom and the corridor. We all need appreciation and children and adolescents more than most. To know that we are valued for what we have done, some effort we have made, some work we have laboured over, some personal contribution has been noted and respected, is fundamental to the building of self-respect. In a community that shares those values, the habit of self-respect is generated. Children who are brought up at home and taught at school by people who genuinely value them, learn to value others as well. The most gifted academic emerging from a school like ours will never overlook the efforts of the tea lady or the cleaner in future life. Well served refreshments and a sparkling clean office are the results of somebody else’s talent and commitment.

Our School produces all kinds of young adults at the end of the process. Some of them tigers and every other kind of adult you can imagine.
Whatever their talents and abilities, we try to ensure that they go out into the world believing that those they have are of real value but equal with those of the other people in their class, year group and all of the individuals they will encounter in the world outside School. In a well-balanced environment there is room for dragons, donkeys, worms, hummingbirds etc etc.

In the meantime, if you are dissatisfied with your offspring’s attitude to their music practice or the maths homework, it might be wise to sit down and ask yourself honestly how you performed in these areas yourself at the same age. If the memory is too glowing then I am afraid you may well have to look at your spouse!


Lynne Taylor-Gooby is Headmistress of The Royal School, the first school to follow the diamond teaching model in Surrey. Boys and girls are taught together until Year 3, separately until GCSE and together again for Sixth Form. Mrs Taylor-Gooby has four children (two girls and two boys) and has long been an ‘unofficial expert’ on the different learning styles of children and their need for happiness and stability to fulfil their learning potential.